Poor old Paddy

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick’s Day.
Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’

Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

‘Damn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody damn!’

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

‘Be-Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way....’

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’ He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘damn it’ and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’

Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?’

‘Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.’

OMG

ROFLMAO

Here's another one.

Edgar drank his beer and said: “Here’s to spending the rest of my life between the legs of me wife!”
And with that Edgar took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, Edgar told his wife Naomi; ”I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
Naomi said: “Yes, Edgar, what was your toast?”
So he told her: “Here’s to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside me wife.”
Naomi said; “Oh honey, that’s very nice.”
The next day, Naomi ran into one of Edgar’s drinking partners in the street.
Mischievously, Stan said: “Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Naomi?”
She replied: “Yep, and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he’s only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

:not worthy: