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rustysdream
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Davetech
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Davetech


Number of posts : 67
Age : 52
Location : Wiltshire, UK
Points : 585
Registration date : 2020-07-08

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PostSubject: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeWed May 19, 2021 4:03 am

Hello all - not only is this a valuable source of information, I often browse just when I'm bored.
Another "car" Sleep forum I visit has a joke post that has grown all kinds of arms and legs - it's great.

It will be interesting on here, because I am always reminded of the "unique" British sense of humour and the fact that many other places just don't get it - this will test that.

There has to be a few rules though for it to succeed: don't get personal - if offended by any post, just browse elsewhere.


I'll kick off with:

Q). What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A). A carrot.
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sonuvabug
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeWed May 19, 2021 8:38 am

Hey Davetech, there is already a forum for humour. It's called Kurt's Korner - Humour.

That's where the funny stuff goes and it's understood if you don't like certain things being made fun of or certain types of humour, simply don't pass through those gates.
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Davetech
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeWed May 19, 2021 8:48 am

Ahh OK. That's why my search for a joke didn't work - I'm too new to know where the fun stuff was hiding.
Still can't find one for general jokes though - or can I?
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sonuvabug
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeWed May 19, 2021 8:58 am

As far as I know, all "deliberate" humour (jokes, funny stories etc.) goes in Kurt's Korner.

You'd be well served to spend a few minutes and click on every forum to see what each one of them contains. Once you get the hang of it, it's all pretty straight forward.
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Cosmic_Jumper
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeWed May 19, 2021 9:28 am

I moved this over to Kurt’s Korner.

Thanks Bug
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Davetech
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Davetech


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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeWed May 19, 2021 9:34 am

Thanks awfully chaps.

BTW - six out of seven dwarfs aren't Happy.
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Davetech
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeWed May 19, 2021 9:43 am

Fred's wife was furiously humping away with her husband's best friend!
Suddenly the phone rang and she hopped out of bed, returning after a brief conversation.
Who was that asked her lover - it was only Fred.
"Fred?" he says, "I'd better get going - did he say where he was?".
"Relax - he says he's down the pub having a few games of pool with you".
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Davetech
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Davetech


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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeWed May 19, 2021 9:43 am

A boy goes to the chemist with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."
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Davetech
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Davetech


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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeThu May 20, 2021 4:29 am

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast....!"
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Davetech
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Davetech


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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeThu May 20, 2021 4:32 am

I bought the wife a pug dog.

Despite the squashed nose, the wrinkles, the bulging eyes, the rolls of fat and the horrendous bad breath, the dog quite likes her!
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Loosemarbles
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeThu May 20, 2021 1:48 pm

It now looks as though we are all going to need vaccinating against the new Indian Covid variant.

It's called the Punjab...
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Davetech
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Davetech


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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeFri May 21, 2021 2:15 am

Loosemarbles wrote:
It now looks as though we are all going to need vaccinating against the new Indian Covid variant.

It's called the Punjab...



Yeah, my neighbour had the Punjab - was in a Korma for a week and just buried his Naan.
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Davetech
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Davetech


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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeFri May 21, 2021 8:40 am

Tell us a joke Captur10
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JamieB
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeFri May 21, 2021 3:27 pm

What do you call postman pat when he retires?


Pat.
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Loosemarbles
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeSun May 23, 2021 3:17 pm

Davetech...that picture made us laugh for quite a long time!

Come to think of it...it's a good thing my front door was in the right place when they built my house.
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Davetech
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeMon May 24, 2021 7:05 am

Tell us a joke Captur11
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Davetech
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeMon May 24, 2021 7:16 am

DOCTOR'S PRESCRIPTION FOR CORONAVIRUS FATIGUE

Do you have feelings of inadequacy at the moment?
Do you suffer from shyness, after long periods of lockdown?
Do you wish you were a better conversationalist after talking to yourself for 3 months?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive with yourself?
Do you feel stressed?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you'll overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past. You will discover talents you never knew you had.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it, but women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side Effects May Include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Warnings:
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc, Pinot Grigio, Scotch, Vodka or Bourbon and of course Beer may be substituted for Cabernet Sauvignon, with similar results.

Please feel free to share this important information.
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Davetech
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeTue May 25, 2021 5:23 am

Tell us a joke Captur12
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Davetech
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeTue May 25, 2021 10:00 am

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Mech 1 twa
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeTue May 25, 2021 7:47 pm

DOCTOR'S PRESCRIPTION FOR CORONAVIRUS FATIGUE

This is all you needTell us a joke Fukito10
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Davetech
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeWed May 26, 2021 7:58 am

Tell us a joke Captur14
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Dale N.
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeThu May 27, 2021 3:23 am

Funny jokes Davetech. Thanks for the laughs.
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Davetech
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeThu May 27, 2021 3:33 am

Tell us a joke Captur15
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Davetech
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeFri May 28, 2021 8:41 am

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Davetech
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeTue Jun 01, 2021 6:32 am

Tell us a joke Captur19
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Mike from NS
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeTue Jun 01, 2021 7:38 am

Likely many of you have seen this :

HAVE FAITH IN THE VACCINE.

THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE THE VACCINE ALSO MAKE VIAGRA.

AND .... IF THEY CAN RAISE THE DEAD,

THEN THEY CAN LIKELY SAVE THE LIVING.
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Davetech
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeWed Jun 02, 2021 10:05 am

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Mech 1 twa
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeThu Jun 03, 2021 10:00 pm

Tell us a joke Img_2010
Masks WE don't need no stinkin masks.
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Davetech
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeFri Jun 04, 2021 2:16 am

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Davetech
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeFri Jun 04, 2021 4:02 am

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signals back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signals to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signals, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says 'Screw you, you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.' "
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VictorLouis
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeFri Jun 04, 2021 10:47 am

Davetech wrote:
Loosemarbles wrote:
It now looks as though we are all going to need vaccinating against the new Indian Covid variant.

It's called the Punjab...



Yeah, my neighbour had the Punjab - was in a Korma for a week and just buried his Naan.
.
I love Indian food, and my preference is southern style. The owner of my favorite place said he really had to curry-favor with his doctor. He wanted to be the first to get his dosa of Punjab. However, the doctor had other patients, also.

"Samosa offer your family a free meal in my private dining room, gratis, for your next biryani day? Would you tikka chance with me then? " He said the doc agreed immediately, and roti him an Rx for the shot. The doc told him,
"You are now the first, but you won't be the lassi".
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Davetech
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Davetech


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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeFri Jun 04, 2021 5:58 pm

Love it.
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Davetech
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Davetech


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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeThu Jun 10, 2021 6:02 am

Tell us a joke Captur22
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Davetech
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Davetech


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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeTue Jun 15, 2021 10:29 am

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Mech 1 twa
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeTue Jun 15, 2021 6:42 pm

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated on him and when he came round he was relieved when they told him all had gone to plan and he was going to be fine.

But the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. He was worried that something may be wrong but he was still too weak from the surgery to do anything. Eventually, he managed to pull his hospital gown down enough to check what was causing the discomfort. When he looked down at his chest he saw three wide strips of ultra-adhesive tape stuck firmly to him. Written on it in large black letters was the message:

“Get well soon… from the nurse you gave the ticket to last week. I’ll be round to remove the tape later.”
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Davetech
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Davetech


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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeWed Jun 16, 2021 2:18 am

Laughing
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Cosmic_Jumper
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeWed Jun 16, 2021 7:34 am

ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT. 


A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00). He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR. They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG....??? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice. The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator. The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master. Then " "" "" "" "" " BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" "" ! ! ! ! The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments. The dog is okay. . .doing fine.
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Davetech
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Davetech


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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeTue Jun 22, 2021 3:17 am

Tell us a joke Captur24
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Loosemarbles
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeWed Jun 23, 2021 2:32 pm

Tim?...that's hilarious but me thinks you've invented one of those stories which makes us limeys tut and say..."only in America"...I am always being reminded that Homer is actually real!

He's my hero...
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Michel Vachon
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeWed Jun 23, 2021 7:34 pm

Two old man like I am .. went to play golf.. The first one is having problem with his eyes and sometime don't see clearely. the second one as memory problem. So at the second hole the one who as eyes problem it his golf ball and said to his friend, " holy cow I hit it so hard I just couldn't see where my ball landed, so he ask his friend did you saw it ??

Sure answer his friend I saw it landed but I don't remember where....
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Davetech
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeFri Jun 25, 2021 6:26 am

A man left work early on Friday afternoon.
Instead of going home, he stayed out all weekend drinking and watching football with his friends and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” - He replied, “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went and he didn’t see his wife.
Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough for him to see her just a little bit out of the corner of his left eye.
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Dale N.
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Dale N.


Number of posts : 1795
Age : 75
Location : Princeton, MN
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Registration date : 2014-02-13

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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeFri Jun 25, 2021 1:54 pm

Well shucks.. I think my license might be in jeopardy..
and all just because of a stupid state trooper...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over on my bike:
Trooper: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Trooper: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Trooper:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Trooper:"So, you're drunk."
Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
Trooper:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:"A motorcycle."
Trooper:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Trooper:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me: "So... counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Trooper:"A prostitute of course."
Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
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Dale N.
Site Admin
Dale N.


Number of posts : 1795
Age : 75
Location : Princeton, MN
Points : 4771
Registration date : 2014-02-13

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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeFri Jun 25, 2021 10:03 pm

This isn't really a joke but...

Winston Churchill loved paraprosdokians, figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting
it in a fruit salad.
7. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay checks.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put "DOCTOR."
11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street...with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
16. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
17. There's a fine line between cuddling and...holding someone down so they can't get away.
18. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
19. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
23. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
24. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but now it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.
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Davetech
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Davetech


Number of posts : 67
Age : 52
Location : Wiltshire, UK
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeMon Jun 28, 2021 5:41 am

Tell us a joke Captur25
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Mech 1 twa
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeMon Jun 28, 2021 9:24 pm

I'm not there yet but might make it.  Tell us a joke Old_as10
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Mech 1 twa
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeMon Jun 28, 2021 9:51 pm

Tell us a joke But10
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Davetech
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Davetech


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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeTue Jun 29, 2021 4:45 am

Tell us a joke Captur26
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Davetech
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Davetech


Number of posts : 67
Age : 52
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeTue Jul 06, 2021 3:52 am

Tell us a joke Captur27
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Davetech
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Davetech


Number of posts : 67
Age : 52
Location : Wiltshire, UK
Points : 585
Registration date : 2020-07-08

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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeWed Jul 14, 2021 3:02 am

Tell us a joke Captur28
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Mech 1 twa
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PostSubject: Re: Tell us a joke   Tell us a joke I_icon_minitimeFri Jul 16, 2021 9:25 pm

Most of us have them but.Tell us a joke Cars10
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