I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful sods. All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken'. She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can. Not every vegetable can read, but bless you for having a go!

(UK members only) Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've called him Birmingham. (UK members only)

In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says,
'Curry ok?' I said, 'Go on then, just one song then bugger off'

I wasn't sure what a UK was, so I read 'em anyway. As long as they were politically incorrect, I knew I would like 'em.

Even this Texas boy got some of them.......

Didn't know the Queen played cricket!

You could always try -

"Spiffing, jolly good show hey what?"

Toodle Pip Old Boy

Cheers,

Pancho, i am interested, which ones did you get? Tarmacburner2 is just playing with you.We from the north never used such phrases, they are from Hollywoods idea of how we speak. Did you understand about the Queen and cricket?

Cheers Pancho .Merry Christmas to you and yours